The beginner's guide to a practical motorcycle

Several years ago, I went looking for a motorcycle. Silly me.

It had been more than 25 years since I’d ridden a bike (of the motorized type), and I wasn’t quite prepared for how the market had changed.

Yesteryear’s bare-knuckled gear-head riders have been replaced by snooty dooted-up (technical term there) brand image worshippers. This is very sad; but sadder still is the fact that practicality has been completely replaced by ostentation for its own sake. Ugh. So what we have is “boutique” bike shops (*gag*). How did we get here?

Never mind: it's not for me to say.

Suffice it to say that I got so frustrated trying to find reliable, non-testosterone-laden information that I simply gave up. I decided to purchase the current version of a model that I knew to be a solid bike back in 1979. I figured I could always upgrade after a few years, when my own experience could inform a better purchase. So I got up one morning, and decided to buy it.

Fortunately for me, I lucked into a guy at the dealership who did what all talented salesmen do. He listened closely to my needs and informed me flatly that I did not want the bike I was ready to purchase (for those of you who don’t know, this is extremely risky -- you can cost yourself a sale if the customer decides to be insulted). He then dragged me by the nose over to the bike I didn’t know existed, but that I had described in our conversation. It was 50% more costly. I bought it. Three years later, I’m still tickled pink with it, and am very thankful he had the brass kahunas necessary to put me on the right machine.

Not everyone is going to get this lucky with his or her salesperson. Nor are most people equipped to recognize true talent in the sales staff, as opposed to a slick weasel who’d push his own mother down a flight of stairs if it meant closing a deal. Don’t get all indignant here and insist you’re different than all the rest. You aren’t. Besides, everyone says that.

OK, so you’ve decided to purchase a motorcycle, because it represents an affordable way to adapt to the next gasoline shortage and the inevitable rationing that will result (either by price or by government edict). You’re a forward thinker smart enough to realize that you don’t wait until the crisis hits to try to buy one. By the time it happens, it’s already too late and stores will be cleared out in a matter of hours. So, you’re busy taking the riding lessons and considering the options. But you’re in a Catch-22. You don’t ride, or haven’t in a very long time, and every time you ask an “experienced” biker, you get an answer that directly conflicts with the LAST “expert” you asked (insert favorite ball-grabbing mouth-breather image here).

Well, you came to the right place. Read on for instructions on how to find the most practical bike for your physical size, strength, dexterity, mechanical aptitude and coordination.

Configuration

This is the choice that will have the most impact on your satisfaction with your new (or new-to-you) bike.

Scooters: Most scooters are designed for city streets - NOT highway travel (no matter what your hippie chick co-worker told you). There are a few exceptions, and you can tell by engine size (400cc or more). As a general rule, larger wheels offer better handling and comfort, at the cost of some luggage capacity, and a higher sticker price. The biggest advantage scooters have over conventional bikes is the step-through frame (no need to swing your leg over the back of the seat), and integrated, locking luggage compartments. The step-through design provides excellent protection from the elements, as you can keep your legs and torso tucked behind the fairing. Even if it’s raining, you’ll stay relatively dry while underway. One downside to step-through frames is the loss of the “connected” feel provided by a conventional bike that allows you to “grip” the tank and frame between your knees. If you want an automatic transmission without giving up good fuel economy, look very hard at Scooters. They were designed specifically for you.

Cruisers: These are the low-slung bikes that try hard to look like something out of Easy Rider, and almost always have a V-Twin engine. To further confuse the issue, some manufacturers tack on the “Touring” label to add prestige. Don’t be fooled. If it looks like Clint would ride it and has a V-Twin engine, you’re looking at a Cruiser. (Note: the huge, heavy, and expensive Touring bikes will not be discussed here, as their fuel economy makes them irrelevant to the discussion). They are great on on city streets, high-speed freeways, and winding two-lane roads. While they are very forgiving and predictable on dry pavement, if there is a chance you’ll ever be riding on gravel roads or slippery conditions (snow, sleet, frost, etc.) this configuration will likely be very disappointing. The long wheelbase and aggressive front fork rake are wonderful for comfort and low-fatigue operation, but it also makes them difficult to recover once you lose control. That’s why you see this type of bike swarming all over town on sunny weekends. The aging lawyers, doctors and financiers that buy them love them for their easy-breezy handling -- not to mention noise -- not to mention tough-guy delusions. If you live in a temperate and sunny part of the country, there are number of cruisers out there that would make excellent commuter bikes. Just be aware that the lumpy exhaust note (a result of the V-Twin engine and its peculiar tuning) can come at the expense of reliability.

Sport Bikes: Also known as “crotch rockets” these built-for-speed machines generally aren’t a good choice for daily riding or commuting. You have to hunch over the gas tank to keep your profile low for the aerodynamics necessary to reach top speeds north of 150mph. Granted, they’re a hoot to ride - for short periods of time. Even the smallest among them have intoxicatingly smooth, high-revving engines that emit sexually-charged melodies right up to (and sometimes beyond) their redlines. If you have a lot of money, and don’t care about your fair share of resource consumption, buy one of these as your second bike. They’re like a freak-in-the-sack yoga instructor -- it’s all fun and games until someone gets a crick in his neck (you know it won’t be her).

Dirt Bikes (now called “off-road”): If you think it would be fun to ride in a topless Willy’s Jeep like this:

on the highway, then get a dirt bike. You’ll love it. Just make sure it’s certified street legal (usually referred to as “dual sport”). Otherwise you’ll get a ticket. You only ride off-road? Oh my. That’s a whole different subject, and there’s a ton of good information out there written by people more qualified than me. Of course, by “qualified,” I refer to people educated in the art of ripping up fragile ecosystems for no apparent reason. But I digress. This configuration is punishing to ride for any distance on the highway. Of course, some people might like that; and who am I to judge what they do in the privacy of their own saddle? The tiny, light little engines must scream along at high-RPM just to maintain speed. They buzz. They dart around when buffeted by wind from passing trucks. If you like a good adrenal rush on your morning commute, go for it.

Standard Bikes: These tried-and-true workhorses are inexpensive to buy, own, and ride on a regular basis. However, they can be tough to find because most of the time, they’re disguised as something else. This is because the Standard Bike is the station wagon of motorcycledom. Remember what I told you at the beginning of this post? The last thing today’s bike buyer wants is to look dorky. So how do you spot a standard bike when it has been disguised as something else? The way you can tell if a Cruiser is really a gussied-up Standard is by the engine. It will be between 250cc and 750cc in size (a common size is 500cc), and it won’t be a V-Twin. It will be an air-cooled single- or twin-cylinder engine with a manual 5- or 6-speed transmission, and a carburetor. It’s a little trickier with Standards dressed in Sport Bike drag. Start by looking at the engine specifications. Is it liquid cooled? Does it redline north of 12,000 RPM? Is it fuel-injected? If it has all three, it’s a Sport Bike. If it has an air-cooled engine, or a power peak in the 8,000-RPM range, or a carburetor, you’re probably looking at a Standard Bike. The best way to tell for sure is to go sit on one. Are you sitting upright and able to comfortably reach the handlebars? You’re sitting on a Standard Bike. I don’t care how many graphics or racy plastic doo-dads have been hot-glued on. If you’re not leaning way forward to reach the handlebars, you’re sitting on a Standard Bike. Price is the final clue. They’re always inexpensive, compared to other bikes of similar size. Disclosure: this is the type of bike I had settled on before running into Mr. Talented Salesman. I was familiar with, and trusted, the technology. And I probably would have been reasonably happy with it.

All-Purpose Bike: This style is the Swiss Army Knife of two-wheeled transportation. The engine sizes and cylinder configurations are all over the map, and they generally incorporate the latest technology. The real story here is their advanced, strong, lightweight frames that allow large payload capacities, and athletic suspension systems that can handle everything from crumbling back roads to autobahns. They’re designed so that a skilled rider, on a properly equipped machine can tackle any type of road, paved or not, in most weather conditions. They have enough fender clearance for snow tires. Their articulated long-travel suspensions can give them the appearance of an off-roader, but don’t be deceived. They’re far too large, heavy and powerful for truly safe off-road use, even though their chassis could handle the pounding. The heavy-duty suspensions and frames are designed to withstand the heavy shocks associated with large potholes, cobblestones and broken pavement so common in older cities around the world. However, they must be equally capable of sustained high speed. Think of them as all-weather, all-road, cross-country commuters. I know. It sounds for all the world like an oxymoron. But, it’s not, and here’s why: price. These guys add, at minimum, 50% to the price of a good Standard Bike. The best of them double or triple it, depending on how much capability you want. For example, the most capable All-Purpose Bikes have exotic spoked wheels instead of cast alloys (which can break when subjected to extreme conditions). It all comes down to budget. Disclosure: I split the difference and purchased an All-Purpose Bike with cast aluminum wheels. I couldn’t afford the spoked model, but I also have no qualms slowing down to appropriate speeds on rough surfaces. Here’s the last caveat about All-Purpose bikes: if you’re unwilling or unable to eventually acquire a high level of riding skill, ignore this style. A novice rider with formal instruction and a willingness to study, practice and learn will be able to master and utilize all of their capabilities. If this isn’t you, save yourself the extra dough. 

Weight

As a general rule of thumb, try to stay with a machine that is roughly double to triple your weight. Anything less, and you’ll easily overwhelm the chassis if you add a second person or luggage. Anything more, and the bike will feel unwieldy. If you plan on carrying passengers or luggage, make sure the bike’s payload rating is high enough to carry it all.

Transmission

Be honest! If you can’t get the hang of shifting a manual transmission, don’t torture yourself with one. There are plenty of good automatic bikes out there, and the best ones are Scooters (note: CVT = automatic). You just twist the throttle and it goes, while you focus on traffic, road conditions, safe braking, and effective cornering. For manuals, more gears isn’t always better. Five gears is generally fine for most riders. Six-speeds usually employ a very low first gear to give the impression of more power. Pay special attention to the recommended 1-2 shift speed. If you plan to ride a lot in city traffic, you’ll get annoyed if forced to shift before getting across the intersection when accelerating away from a stop sign or traffic signal.  Trust me on this. If you intend to ride long distances, look at the RPM’s at 70 mph in high gear. The lower the better. A busy, droning engine gets old after a couple hours.

Engine

This is probably the most difficult category about which to make a decision. Everything here involves a trade-off. Liquid-cooled engines offer more reliability, at a higher price. Fuel injection offers better fuel economy, emissions, and power -- again at a higher price. I’m ambivalent about multiple cams and valves. This technology is most important for extracting a few more horses so you can get to 60mph a few fractions of a second faster. If it has more valves and more cams, and the price is right -- great. But the benefits seem marginal to me. To determine the best size (displacement), start with your body weight. If you’re an average male, you’ll want no less than 400cc. Anything less won’t keep up with the cars around you in traffic (a big no-no in motorcycle safety). A fuel-injected, liquid-cooled 500cc to 650cc engine is ideal, if you can afford it. If not, go for one of the lighter bikes with the largest air cooled engine you can afford. If you find yourself looking at an air cooled engine in the same price range as an advanced engine of smaller displacement, go for the latter. It will give you just as much power, more reliability and better fuel economy. If you’re 250 pounds or more, try to stay above 650cc. Petite women who don’t intend to carry passengers can get away with a 250cc engine. Upsize it a bit if you want to travel long distances or through mountain passes. Anything over a liter (1,000cc) is overkill. They don’t call them “hogs” for no reason. The one-liter Sport Bikes with are pure insanity and built for exactly that. A lot of your friends will howl and tell you how stupid I am for saying so, but remember that this post isn’t about sex appeal. It’s about low-cost resource-efficient transportation. It’s good to keep in mind that the world is full of highway-capable automobiles using 1100cc to 1600cc engines. And anyone who weighs as much as a car probably shouldn’t be riding a motorcycle. Oh, and those engines that go “thumpa-thumpa”? Fuhgettabouddit. The lumpy idle and raucous exhaust notes actually cause them to fail and malfunction. They literally shake themselves apart. If you’re an athlete, you know this. Abrupt impacts cause injuries, whether or not they’re obvious right away. An engine is the same way: smoother is better. This is why Cruisers with V-Twins should usually be avoided. By the time a manufacturer spends all the money necessary to make it sturdy enough to endure their inherent stresses, you may as well spend the same money and opt for a bike with more capabilities.

Gear

This is the most often overlooked expense category. It’s possible to spend the same amount on gear as you do on the bike itself. Gear covers everything from safety equipment like helmets and protective outerwear to luggage, security, and maintenance devices. The first thing to do is splurge on a full-face helmet. Buy it from an independent long-established (ideally 10 years or more) motorcycle gear shop (not a bike dealer). If you have to drive an hour to do this, do so. Follow their directions and buy the helmet they tell you to buy. Spend the money. Don’t argue with me on this because it’s a waste of breath. I won’t budge. Next is body armor, which is a tradeoff between safety and comfort. You have to decide how much protection you can afford and tolerate wearing. All the body armor in the world is useless if you can’t wear it because you get overheated and lightheaded sitting in traffic in the hot sun. Conversely, if you get cold too easily, your shivering and numb fingers will compromise safety. Spend the money and get yourself a heated jacket and gloves; maybe even pants. The other item (besides the helmet) that allows no compromise is a good set of sturdy boots that cover the ankles. It’s not like you can’t use them for other things, and you don’t need the special over-priced ones made specifically for biking (unless you have that kind of money). So get a top-notch full face helmet, good-fitting quality sturdy boots, and motorcycle gloves (you WILL want gloves specially made for biking). Next, take your personal comfort level, climate and budget into account, and accessorize accordingly.

Remember: you’ll appreciate great gear and less bike; but you’ll curse a great bike if crappy gear makes you miserable.